The Coastal Packet: Bangor Maine police report

Thursday, July 12

Bangor Maine police report

Lt Tim Cotton, Bangor Police Department  - Officer Jeff Kinney was sent to a downtown bridge to check on a man who was walking heel-to-toe the hand rail. A kind woman, who made a phone call to us, first asked if the man might be attempting to do harm to himself.

He told her he had no intention of doing any such thing as he was working on his balance, possibly his poise.

There are better places to practice, Kinney knows this from that time when he thought he was auditioning for a circus and later found himself wearing a uniform and working as a police officer in Bangor.

When Kinney found the man stumbling up Hammond Street, he approached him to find out if everything was all right. The man, who was intoxicated with more than a love for the Flying Wallendas, told Kinney that he was working on his balancing act and planning on becoming a gymnast someday.

Not surprisingly the man had never tried Circus City IPA, but he did know a Daddy named Natty who has been known to leave three rings in the center of the glass-topped coffee table when the empty can is slammed down after all 25 ounces of high-test malt liquor have been drained out the hole bottom during a shotgunning contest among like-minded and thirsty friends.

He was hammered, but obviously had some really good balance as he had scooted down the rail in record time.

With no charges to file, he was warned to avoid walking the bridge rail and continued up the hill to the intersection of Hammond and Ohio Streets. We received word that he had no intention of fetching a pail of water.


A woman who tossed her cookies while on a cab ride, had also left her phone behind.

She also might have pee’d a little...

When the cab driver asked her to help out with the cleaning fee, she told him, “No.” Of course, that was before she remembered where she had forgotten her phone. It sounds strange, but remembering where you forgot something is the sign of slowly sobering up. That’s a good thing.

The bad news is that the cab driver was upset that his seating surfaces were of limited use because of the unexpected showers.

While the cab was not "Yellow," like the big city hacks -we are unsure about the interior.

Why was Officer Zach Carey involved? I’ll tell you. The following day the angry cab driver motored by the woman’s husband and held a phone out the window. It appeared to be the missing device. The driver also presented his middle digit in the manner which indicated he was displeased about the pee.

So rude

The woman’s husband called us to report the cabbie’s finger-flinging and to report that he believed the driver had his wife’s phone. There was no mention on whether he knew that the cabbie was driving fast with the windows down in order to dry out the interior for future patrons.

Carey was able to speak to the driver of cab who claimed he did not have the phone, but he wanted his money for the cleaning. He also admitted that it was certainly possible that he had flown the fickle finger of fate while driving by, mainly because of his anger about the woman who had found sweet relief in his seat.

Carey explained, while suppressing the overwhelming urge to smirk, that the police could not force someone to pay a cleaning fee due to the the civil nature of the complaint. We said civil, not civilized.

He also told the cabbie that he would be charged with theft if the phone was not returned asap.

We are unsure of the outcome, but if you do soil the backseat of a cab, we are hopeful that you would do the right thing and ante-up to aid the purveyor of rides with the cleaning costs...

Choose to be kind, and to pee before you leave.


To the person who called us about the man, walking up Union Street, without his shirt on; we did check on him. He was fine. We appreciate the concern, but it was 96 degrees. He explained that he was hot so he took his shirt off in order to cool down.

This made sense to us.

With the continuous re-runs of Naked and Afraid on cable, we were hopeful that the sighting of a shirtless male on a hot summer’s day would merely remind folks to set their DVR for the season’s cliff-hanger when one of the two participants gets sick while eating moldy twigs and unidentifiable mushrooms mixed with the random insect… or that manscaping is now “a thing.”

We can cite no ordinance which prohibits shirtless wandering, but there is such a thing as an “assumed social standard” (there is an acronym, but this is a family page).

Braiding is an acceptable substitute, but Pinterest has some great suggestions on what to do with the clippings. It’s a free country.


To the folks who were frolicking in the public pool up on 13th Street well after closing time -we know it’s still hot late into the night -but this is not a scene from Caddy Shack.

Please use the pool when it is open for business.

One indicator of the pool being open for business is that you do not have to crawl over the security fence to get in. Nor, would you have to run across the park upon our arrival when someone calls us about shrieks of delight and pool-toy sounds after midnight. Please be more cognizant of the posted rules.

We are still hopeful it was refreshing. We are decent humans and I cannot say that the thought has not crossed our mind here at 240 Main Street.

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