The Coastal Packet: GQ Magazine trashes Maine

Sunday, January 10

GQ Magazine trashes Maine

 If you think Paul LePage is bad, check this writer out.

WCSH -- An article published on GQ.com Friday attempts to discuss the pros and cons for keeping what writer Drew Magary calls the "most disturbing state in the United States."

It was published shortly after Governor Paul LePage held a news conference to discuss the controversial remarks he made at a town hall meeting in Bridgton Wednesday night.

Magary said he attended college in Maine, and can attest that "it is a legitimate state and that people live in it voluntarily."

"Maine is our most disturbing state," the article said. "It’s hardly America, really. Rather, it is a vast territorial wilderness of hill people, completely isolated from traditional American laws and customs. You can shoot a dog in Lewiston and no one will bat an eyelash. We should build a wall at its border to protect ourselves."

The writer even goes as far as saying that a key issue for voters leading up to the 2016 election should be the "planned expulsion of Maine from the United States."

"Look at it up there, just sitting there in a ratty sweater, being all weird and staring at you with its glass eye.," Magary wrote. "As someone who has been in Maine and fled it as quickly as humanly possible after graduation, allow me to give you a short list of reasons FOR and AGAINST keeping Maine in the United States."

GQ Article:

Pro:

  • Lobster, although every goddamn NARD (North American Rural Dweller) Mainer reminds you that lobster used to be prison food. PRISONAHS WERE SAID TO HAVE GOTTEN SICK OF THE TASTE HERE-AH.
  • Portland, which is Boston for people too broke to live in Boston
  • Gorgeous two-week summers
  • That one photo of Ali knocking out Liston
  • All the heroin you can eat
  • Beaches! Each one rockier than the last!

CON:

  • It’s too goddamn big. Towns are 600 miles apart. Driving to Bar Harbor takes 64 hours, and that’s not even the terminus of the state. I don’t know if Maine even has an end to it. You just follow 95 North forever and then fall into a goddamn black hole.
  • That accent. Imagine an entire state that sat down and said, “Hey! How can we make the Boston accent worse?”
  • The weather. Ever see the sky after a volcano erupts, and the sun has been snuffed out by gigantic plumes of blackness? That’s a Tuesday in Maine. Also, it’s fucking cold. One time I drove to school through an ice storm that looked like the handiwork of a Marvel supervillain.
  • Racism
  • No, seriously. RACISM. This isn’t like the South, where black people actually live. Maine has no minorities (so says LePage!), and so residents only know TALES of black people and are terrified of them strictly from secondhand folklore. KENNY FROM BANGOR-AH SAW ONE A LONG TIME AGO. ITS EYES COULD TURN A MAN INTO CLAM JUICE.
  • Earthy-crunchy types who live there because it’s so authentic. These are people who sit in Crazy Creek chairs and brush their teeth with pure baking soda. I do not trust them, and neither should you.
So there you have it. Maine is a terrifying wasteland with little to offer us in the way of economic or intellectual resources, and we should sell it to Denmark for a tidy profit.

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